Ah, I almost forgot about my brick. A tradition at the Guest House is to leave a bit of yourself behind by painting a brick from the
original streets of Trinidad. (yeah, there's a 10 dollar fee) Anyway, most of "Marci's Girls" do one. So , there I was, sick from Percocet walking around, trying to find the perfect brick. There was one that looked lonely, a corner had been broken off. It looked unwanted. Perfect for me. That brick was more a part of me than people will realize.

I decided a Wizard of Oz theme was an appropriate way to describe my journey. So, I start with my natal birth (little blue stick figure) and let my life procede. College and falling in love with Beth. The road continues into most of my adult life, but finally, I emerge out of the forest, a happy girl at Trinidad. Flowers are blooming. There is a blissfull connectedness throughout the universe (hence, the Sanskrit OM symbol).

So what did I leave the people of Trinidad? Why, a piece of my horrible sense of humor, of course! In keeping with the Wizard of Oz tradition.... "There's no place like OM."

May the wind in your mind stay calm. May the flame in your heart burn steady. Namaste.

To Boldy Go...

Yeah, I'm pretty happy. I got out for my first exercise in a week today. Beth and I walked for about an hour along Trindad's river walk. Blue sky, seventy, windy. A nice day. I hope the world is ready for me 'cause this is about as good as its going to get. I am now complete and ready to start my new life (with, of course, my old friends). It would be so easy now...abandon all that I knew or was and start over; just be a woman with no past, only a future. And yet, its that past that made me the person I am today. I cannot abandon that. I have been very lucky in the way things have worked out. (I'll bet all of my karma points got cashed in this week. )

So, what's ahead of me? I'm sure there'll be more hassels to deal with. As in the past, I'll get through them. But I also see this as an incredible opportunity. I feel more committed now than ever to find ways to help people deal with transgendered issues and to help educate the public at large. My community (county, really) is badly in need of a place to go, someone with whom to speak and ask questions about trans issues.

I hope I can be the trans-activist this area needs. I hope to be able to speak to groups that are willing to learn, to help individuals who are afraid to face themselves, to set an example to the world that people who are trans are like anyone else and can contribute positively to society. Sure, all of these dreams might go up in a puff of smoke. But If I can help just one person or plant just one seed, it'll be worth it. My life was saved by other members of the transgender community. Whether in my neighborhood or on line, I owe it to them to give back what I took. I need to do this for me. I need to do this for them. I need to do this for you.

But don't worry. I still plan on enjoying my new life and having a bit....no A LOT ... of fun, too. There's too much left in this world to do and experience to stop now. So, look out world; Jody's here...and she means business.

This entry contains adult information you must be 18 to read

Well, I was given a tour of the new me while being shown where to apply the neosporin on the sutures, which are already nearly invisible. I am amazed at how quickly the bruising and swelling is subsiding, If you didn't know, you'd look and see a woman who's had trauma. It was another oh wow moment, The nurse said she couldn't believe how good things looked, Of course a catheter coming out of the urethera might be a give away. I haven't had to take any pain medicine since the JP tube was removed. That one hurt. Reminded me of genital electrolysis. I'm able to get around pretty well. Some of the pain and soreness is being replaced by a tickling sensation, very cool. Beth and I went for a walk around the patient ward this afternoon. That was exhausting. The packing in the vagina amounts to a mega tampon. It's kind of like having my period. Discharge, odor, etc. And I'm loving every minute of it. I can't believe all the periods of chills and hot flashes I'm going through. Right now, I'm on fire. Think about it....stop the spiro two weeks prior and cut the E in half. Then get the source of T nipped at the bud. Then go back on hormones. If this is what Beth is going through I feel for her. Of course this hormonal roller coaster will settle down. You know, I'd swear my breasts have grown in the last couple of days. Everything is so right. I went into this with no expectations. I imagined the possibilities. And wow...I'm healing well and I got more depth than even Marci expected.

On the down side don't ever drink a ton of carbonated soda while on mineral oil and stool softners, Stick with water or juice. And try hard not to catch a cold.

What a long strange trip it's been

There's a line from "Over the Rainbow" that never made it into the Wizard of Oz...

"one day I'll wake and rub my eyes and find myself beyond the skies that bind me...."

Well, its two days after surgery and I am so happy. In pain, yes, but happy. I got a chance to see the new me today (the dressing were removed). I am just so amazed. I am still at a loss for words. But I do know that the stress, the worries, everything I had to go through....it was worth it. I've been trying to find a word to sum it all up...affirmation, maybe. Either that or I've experienced the ultimate in getting recombobulated.

Oh, I'm still the worrier. I'm afraid to do anything that might cause complications or screw things up. So many things to learn.....so many things to experience. I know that my journey is not yet over (will it ever be?) In many ways its just beginning. The last 58 years have been preparation for this moment in my life. How appropriate that the journey begins on Coming Out On The Side Of Love Day.

I am ever so grateful to all of the friends and family members who gave me the love and support that kept me going.

..that you lean your dreams upon...

While in Dr. Bower's waiting room I had a chance to chat with a woman who had the surgery a week and a half ago; she was going back home near Boston. She was 60 years old and very lively, chatty, and funny. You'd never believed that she had had surgery so recently. (hang on...back in just a bit) She was just oozing happiness. We discussed how hard it was dealing with feelings while dealing with gender incongruity. I have to say, chatting with her really helped to put Beth and I at ease. She said GRS is nothing compared to her open heart surgery. I was inspired by her words and attitude.

I was happy to hear Marci tell me that things looked good and that there should be no problems. I am very anxious to be over and done with this. (Hang on....) I guess I've had enough closure. It's time to move on. I know I'll stay afloat, buoyed up by (rats! I'll be back) the well wishes, good thoughts, and prayers I've received from all of our friends. So, as of tomorrow I'll have a new/additional birthday.

I really don't know when I'll be able to (or feel like) getting back on the computer. I'm hoping by Saturday.

Until then may the winds in your mind stay calm; may the flame in heart burn steady. And remember....if you want something badly enough the entire universe will conspire to help you get it.

Namaste.

Oct 7...

My one day of fun in Trinidad. Drove to Simpson's Rest, overlooking the town. See? I really am here. I am really having fun. Well, so far. Did some hiking today and went to a great Italian restaurant this evening. It features singing waiters. It was a lot of fun. The food was great. Turned out that my surgeon was having dinner two tables over. Seems as if she's quite a celebrity. This'll make a good ice breaker when I go in for my pre op meeting with her tomorrow. So how do you handle it when the owner of the restaurant starts hitting on your spouse? I mean really hitting. Looks as if both Beth and I have to start looking at the world differently. Of course, I did have my pepper spray....

So...tomorrow is my day of a clear liquid diet and bowel prep. Oh, joy. And then on Friday.... I am amazed at how pysched I am for this. Ask me how I am on Saturday.

...that brave self-understanding....

10-6-09...Somewhere between Milwaukee and Denver, alt. 32,000ft

Ok, I'm not on the plane now, but the text that follows was written by way of antique devices (aka pen and paper)....

This is the first time in my life that I've taken a flight that took off ahead of schedule. A good omen? I'm hoping just flying Air Tran wil earn me some karma points.

I had an attitude shift yesterday. Finally, I found myself looking forward to this adventure with anxious anticipation. My spouse (Beth) mentioned that she used to read a book to her 3rd graders called "The Monster Who Grew Small." Primarily the lesson of the book is that as you get closer to something you might be afraid of, it becomes less frightening. It's either that or the anxiety meds I'm on are doing a wonderful job. I'm still dealing with my infection in my left eye. The doctor has me megadosing steriods in hopes of taking care of it prior to surgery.

This was only the second time since becoming Jody that I've taken a trip (and what a trip)out of state. It was my first time at an airport. I have to admit to being a bit nervous...going through security and all (remember....I'm a worrier). No problems however. Despite my paranoia, the metal hairpiece clips did not set off metal detectors.

I got a call last night from a friend who was wishing me luck. We talked a bit about how I felt about everything as well as her feelings. She said she read a book by a post op woman who described the experience (sugery) as empowering. I think I can relate to that. Whether I get surgery or not won't matter to the world (except to social security and the passport people). I'll be viewed the same as I have this last year. People who know/knew me will still goof occassionally on the name or pronoun. (I understand, but admitedly after surgery it'll hurt a bit more.) Except for me having to perform routine maintenance as part of the one year break in period, life will go on pretty much as it did. What I'm doing is for me; it's so I can feel right about myself. So now with t-3 days and counting, I'm looking forward to being let loose into the mystery. I know that not all experiences will be pleasant, but who said life was supposed to be easy? Not easy, but definitely interesting.

What follows is additional. Got to the Denver airport, deplaned, got the luggage...no problem. Went to the information counter to ask a question and the woman behind the counter gendered me male. Except for on the phone now and then, that hasn't happened....well, since I went full time. So much for feeling empowered. Oh well, I guess everyone has one of those days. At least I've gotten to the point where I won't let it bother me. Just move on with things and don't focus on it. There are too many interesting things I have to look forward to.

You Need That Rite of Passage Before You Can Continue On...

Yeah, this is about me. I don't know why, exactly I'm blogging. I guess I'd rather have my thoughts written down instead of their cluttering my brain. I'd much prefer calm winds to the category 4 hurricane that's currently battering my synapses. It's easy to tell yourself to relax, that everything will be fine. It's the believing it that I'm having trouble with. I guess I got more than my new name from my mom; I also got her ability to worry about things. I'm a worrier...no doubt about it. Drives my partner nuts. Thank the gods she puts up with me.

So, what have I got to worry about? In less than a week I get put into that drugged-induced oblivion of anesthesia and wake up with a new body. A better body (in my way of thinking) to be sure, but still, a new body. (I sure hope it comes with an owner's manual. ) I'm a kinesthetic learner. I need to get the "feel" of things. Just reading things and talking with others? That doesn't do it. To wake up with new sensations, never before experienced (well, for me)...that's what's getting me. I know what's being done. I know this needs to be done. It's that taking a step into the unknown that I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around. I've never been comfortable when let loose in the mystery. It tends to swallow me up.

You're looking at a person who rides the brakes going down a steep hill on her bike because she doesn't like to go too fast. You won't find this person walking out on that clear platform that juts out from atop the Sears Tower (or whatever they call it now). Six Flags ranks up there as one of my least favorite places to go.

The first time I went to a high element ropes course with friends my feet stayed firmly planted on the ground. And yet when we drove away I was really mad at myself for not having made an effort. I was lucky in that I had another chance to go back and try some of those adventure challenges. I remember climbing up that tree and inching my way out to the edge of a wooden platform. Suspended six feet in front of me was a trapeze bar, the idea being to jump out and try to grab it. Knowing that I was tied into a rope system and that if I missed I'd be safely let down was not comforting. I knew I'd be ok. But still.... After standing and staring for 20 minutes, I finally jumped. Having missed the bar, I was slowly let down to the ground by a person to whom I trusted my life. Was it fun? Not particularly. It was something I needed to do. I learned that I do have it within me to face challenges that may seem daunting or overwhelming. (Later I became a facilitator at the ropes course to help people like me face the mystery.)

So here I am again standing at the edge of a platform. It's taken me 58 years to get here. And I don't even have to try to catch a bar. All I have to do is jump off and know that I'll be in the most capable hands of Dr. Marci Bowers. And when I wake up, once more I'll be on solid ground, safe and sound, my new life ahead of me.



Note: There's a wonderful song by Scottish singer/songwriter Dougie Maclean called Rite of Passage. I've always found it to be inspirational and plan on borrowing heavily from the lyrics.